Self-Sabotage: Why We Do It and How to Stop
Have you ever wanted something badly, worked towards it, and then somehow found yourself doing something that gets in the way?
Perhaps you put off applying for the job you really want, push someone away when a relationship starts to feel close, give up just as things are going well, or convince yourself that you are not good enough.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is when our thoughts, feelings or behaviours get in the way of achieving something that is important to us.
Sometimes it is obvious. We might procrastinate, avoid difficult conversations or give up on a goal.
Other times, self-sabotage can be much harder to recognise. We may repeatedly choose situations or relationships that are unhealthy, constantly criticise ourselves, or find reasons why something will not work.
The important thing to remember is that self-sabotage is usually not about deliberately trying to make ourselves unhappy. Often, it is a way of protecting ourselves from something that feels uncomfortable, frightening or uncertain.
Why do we self-sabotage?
There are many reasons why people self-sabotage.
One common cause is low self-esteem. If we have developed a belief that we are not good enough, successful enough or deserving enough, we may unconsciously behave in ways that confirm that belief.
Fear can also play a big part. Success can bring change, responsibility and expectations. Failure can feel painful too. Sometimes staying where we are feels safer than risking disappointment.
Past experiences can influence us as well. If we have experienced rejection, criticism, abandonment or failure, we may learn to protect ourselves by avoiding situations where those feelings could happen again.
Our core beliefs can be particularly powerful. Thoughts such as “I always mess things up”, “People will leave me” or “I don't deserve good things” can influence our behaviour without us even realising it.
What are the signs of self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage can look different for everyone, but common signs include:
Procrastinating on things that matter to you
Setting unrealistic expectations for yourself
Giving up when progress feels difficult
Overthinking and constantly second-guessing yourself
Pushing people away when relationships become closer
Comparing yourself with others
Focusing on everything that could go wrong
Repeatedly telling yourself that you cannot succeed
How can you stop self-sabotaging?
Most importantly, start with small steps.
The first step is awareness. Notice when you are getting in your own way and ask yourself: What am I thinking and feeling right now?
Try to identify the belief behind the behaviour. Instead of simply thinking, “I am procrastinating again,” ask, “What am I afraid might happen if I actually do this?”
Challenge unhelpful thoughts rather than automatically believing them. Ask yourself whether there is another, more balanced way of looking at the situation.
You do not need to completely change your behaviour overnight. Each small action that moves you towards what you want can help build confidence and challenge old patterns..
If self-sabotage is affecting your relationships, confidence or happiness, talking to a counsellor can help you understand where these patterns come from and begin to change them.
You are not broken, and you are not your patterns. With awareness, compassion and support, it is possible to stop getting in your own way and start moving towards the life you want.