People Pleasing: What it is, why we do it and how to stop
Do you often say ’yes’ when you’d rather say ‘no?
Are you often prioritising the needs of other people over your own?
If so, you may be demonstrating people pleasing behaviour.
Of course, it is natural to want to help others, however, constant people-pleasing can start to take a toll on your mental health, self esteem and personal relationships. Learning what drives people pleasing behaviours and how to stop it can help you to feel more balanced and authentic in our dealings with others.
What Is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is when there is a tendency to always consider and prioritise the needs of other people above your own. This may often be at the expense of your own wellbeing. The behaviour itself can come out in various ways. For some it may mean constantly seeking the approval of others, avoiding conflict, overcommitting to work or social activities, or feeling guilty when you try to say no or place a boundary. On the surface, people-pleasing may look harmless but if it starts to get out of control it can lead to stress, burnout, anxiety and problems within relationships.
Why Do We People Please?
There are many reasons why we exhibit people-pleasing behaviours and these are often deeply rooted. They include:
Fear of Rejection or disapproval: Many people-pleases become anxious about saying ‘no’ to family members of significant others for fear of being rejected or disapproved of.
Fear of conflict: A feeling that they will have to defend their response, or that the other person may become angry leads to an automatic ‘yes’ response.
Low Self-Esteem: It is easy to prioritise the needs of other people over your own if your sense of self-worth is low. If self-worth is tied to the approval of others saying ‘no’ can seem risky. When self-worth is tied to others’ approval, it’s easy to prioritize pleasing over personal needs.
Childhood Experiences: If, during childhood, love/acceptance/approval was conditional on behaviour it may lead to the development of a life-long habit of people-pleasing.
Desire for Control: Although this can sound a little counter-intuitive, sometimes trying to keep everyone else happy can make people feel in control of events and relationships.
Why is people pleasing a problem?
People-pleasing is often seen as pretty harmless; it’s just someone being helpful and kind, and feels like a pretty positive trait. However, if it becomes a pattern it can start to create challenges and negatively impact your mental health.
The main issues that may develop are:
The main issues that may develop are:
Not considering your own needs: over time constantly overcommitting oneself by saying yes can cause a lot of stress, leading to burnout and exhaustion.
Damages self-esteem: your sense of self-worth may become tied to what you do for others, rather than to who you are.
Imbalance in personal relationships: If you are constantly overriding your own needs you may find yourself becoming resentful of others. You may feel that you are never seen or heard. Avoiding conflict can bring immediate relief from anxiety around rejection, but in the longer term it means less genuine and authentic connection in relationships.
Feelings of anxiety, guilt and overcommitment - these are often associated with people-pleasing behaviour as people begin to feel more and more frazzled and stuck in a cycle.
Breaking free
In the long run, people pleasing keeps you trapped in a cycle of guilt, anxiety, and overcommitment.
It can be hard to recognise the patterns that we automatically fall into, especially if this has been happening throughout our life.
Breaking free begins with learning to recognise and challenge these thoughts, learning how to assertively set health boundaries and starting to value your own needs as much as you do the needs of other people.
How to Stop People Pleasing
The first step towards breaking free is to focus on being curious about yourself and why you respond in certain ways. This takes awareness and practice and, most of all, self-compassion.
Some of the strategies that you could look at in therapy include:
Recognising patterns: Keep a journal of situations where you automatically said “yes” when you wanted to say no, or ended up overextending yourself. Maybe look at the reasons for this alone, or with your counsellor.
Start Setting Healthy Boundaries: Many folks who people-please find this an incredible challenge. It helps to start small by saying “no” to minor requests. The ability to say no is like a muscle; the more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes.
Challenge your own negative beliefs about yourself: Remind yourself regularly that you have an intrinsic worth - your value is not bound to what you do for others, or their approval. Be your own best friend; think about how you talk to yourself.
Prioritise your self-care: Schedule time when you will be unavailable for others and set that aside for activities that make you feel mentally, emotionally and physically good. Putting yourself first is not selfish; it is necessary and, ultimately, increases your capacity to engage meaningfully with other people.
Seek Support: If you feel that people-pleasing is causing issues in your life, counselling can help you to not only uncover the underlying cause, but also work with you to develop coping strategies, increase your assertiveness and build your confidence in setting and maintaining boundaries.
Becoming authentic
As you start to move away from people-pleasing behaviour, you will start to reclaim your own voice. Setting boundaries, being assertive and being authentic about your needs can help cultivate better, more balanced relationships and give you a stronger sense of self-identity and self-worth.